Unforeseen
Beauty is called for. Beauty falls for trickery
and is properly ensnared like a big-eyed beast.
Time won’t squirm about in these moist palms.
We will cough into collapse and dust will move on
and me, I'm just baiting language and the female.
Baiting. Baiting. Nothing and the Unforeseen
Beauty is called for.
ReplyDeleteBeauty falls for trickery
I like how the title immediately engages the body of the poem, but the next line I feel would be strongest going straight into a very rich, maybe detailed, metaphor of beautiful trickery...some sort of image, but I would absolutely keep the killer line "is properly ensnared
like a big-eyed beast." And the line:"Time squirms about
in these moist palms"...love the squirming time, but I think an ongoing image would be stronger here...maybe try something like "in the beads quickly filling palms (connect the squirming time and hands)
that's all I have time for right now,...I will finish later...I hope this is helpful.
thanks for the feedback miss disdain, duly noted and i will ponder how to further these images along..see, isn't this fun?;0)
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